This is, in fact, making me nervous.
The fact that I am so adamant about running at this time gives me that feeling of impending doom. Okay, that’s going a little too far. Let me say, instead, feeling of, well, impending doom. Because where I am right now, is, probably, where I was before when I started to venture on different endeavors.
Allow me to explain.
I’ve only considered running last year, 2011. Of course, I had my bursts of motivations at that time. What they were, I don’t exactly remember. What lingers was the fact that I felt that was a good form of exercise back then to support a sudden weight loss, brought on by a couple of nights when all I could muster to “eat” after long hours in the emergency room was a glass of Lactaid. But then summer came, heat came, I went for a family vacation to Europe, had pasta and pizza and paella, came back to the states, and summer was over then everything went downhill.
I found myself back in the same old predicament of weight gain when you’re in your upper 30s. Then came winter and I just gained more weight. No exercise, except for some intermittent attempts at such programs as the Brazilian Butt and Tony Horton, whose voice, by the way, I could not stand.
Then came spring, I started some running again, including my first 5k race in June, faltered in the summer, but towards August (for fear that September was coming when I was to have my first Half-Marathon), I found myself propelled into running again.
And, of course, came October when I picked up on my running. Fast-forward post-Runners World Half Marathon Festival and once again, I am circumvented into a cycle.
That cycle that has fear looming in the background.
Because I am at it again: I have gotten obsessed with running, especially post-RW Festival.
Prior to the October run, I had bought myself some new running “essentials” that cost a little fortune. If that should not have been done, then shoot me. But that is exactly where I am good at— buying things allied to what I am obsessed with. And precisely, this is where my fears are coming from.
Adding to my fear is my inability to balance and prioritize when I am obsessed. This moment is one of them. Me writing this blog. Because while I am supposed to be studying for a midterm grad school exam on Saturday, I am, instead, writing. Rather than read notes as soon as I got home from work today, I found myself skimming through RW magazine, looking for races I can join.
For when was the last time that I did, in my crazy understanding, get obsessed with something?
Hmmmm…. Oh yes, 2010 (supposedly) with skiing. Because I was or am great with things that obsess me, I bought the whole skiing shebang: Head skiis, boots, etc!
Then 2011, with the driving range. Yes, you guess it. Some titanium drivers and hybrids.
And like my many other “obsessions,” the skiing was eventually ditched in just as little as 3 ski trips. I figured out my fear of falling, especially since I started skiing just 2 weeks after a knee surgery to repair a meniscal tear.
And then drivers? They are in the corner of my bedroom and I haven’t gone to the driving range since (although I would still want to give golf another shot).
Long story short, this is where my fear stems from: that my running is just one of those “bursts,” fleeting, spur-of-the-moments. And I do not want that. I fear that.
What I want is that even when winter comes, I would still be out there and run in my CWX (which, again, I bought as part of this new-found obsession). What I wish for is that I will not falter like I did falter with golf or skiing or Rosetta Stone.
I would really like to be out there and run even when everyone else is heading for the slopes.
I would really wish to see myself make use of the “investments” I made in buying “running essentials.”
I am not a strong, fast runner. Yet, I managed to make progress as I raced against myself, when I PR’d in the past weekend’s half in Bethlehem. On hills versus my prior record on a flat course.
That’s what I want to see. Myself out there. Running because I have loved running and not because it is a momentary obsession. Running because I want to challenge— and beat— my own personal record. Running because, really, I don’t have much life besides the ER and home. Running because I want to run. To free my mind. To think. To just run.
If joining a race in December is what it takes to motivate me, then it will be.
If buying a pair of Newtons is what it takes, then I will.
I will do just that, until all the things that I bought for will no longer be in the guise of being “running essentials” but become smart investments.
I will do exactly these things, until running becomes second nature.
I will attempt to find whatever it is that will motivate me, until those days would come when I’d see myself put on some running clothes and not have to decide whether or not I should go out there and just do it.