Archive for October, 2012

Faltering Obssession

Posted: October 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

            This is, in fact, making me nervous.

            The fact that I am so adamant about running at this time gives me that feeling of impending doom. Okay, that’s going a little too far. Let me say, instead, feeling of, well, impending doom. Because where I am right now, is, probably, where I was before when I started to venture on different endeavors.

            Allow me to explain.

            I’ve only considered running last year, 2011. Of course, I had my bursts of motivations at that time. What they were, I don’t exactly remember. What lingers was the fact that I felt that was a good form of exercise back then to support a sudden weight loss, brought on by a couple of nights when all I could muster to “eat” after long hours in the emergency room was a glass of Lactaid. But then summer came, heat came, I went for a family vacation to Europe, had pasta and pizza and paella, came back to the states, and summer was over then everything went downhill.

            I found myself back in the same old predicament of weight gain when you’re in your upper 30s. Then came winter and I just gained more weight. No exercise, except for some intermittent attempts at such programs as the Brazilian Butt and Tony Horton, whose voice, by the way, I could not stand.

            Then came spring, I started some running again, including my first 5k race in June, faltered in the summer, but towards August (for fear that September was coming when I was to have my first Half-Marathon), I found myself propelled into running again.

            And, of course, came October when I picked up on my running. Fast-forward post-Runners World Half Marathon Festival and once again, I am circumvented into a cycle.

            That cycle that has fear looming in the background.

            Because I am at it again: I have gotten obsessed with running, especially post-RW Festival.

            Prior to the October run, I had bought myself some new running “essentials” that cost a little fortune. If that should not have been done, then shoot me. But that is exactly where I am good at— buying things allied to what I am obsessed with. And precisely, this is where my fears are coming from.

            Adding to my fear is my inability to balance and prioritize when I am obsessed. This moment is one of them. Me writing this blog. Because while I am supposed to be studying for a midterm grad school exam on Saturday, I am, instead, writing. Rather than read notes as soon as I got home from work today, I found myself skimming through RW magazine, looking for races I can join.

            For when was the last time that I did, in my crazy understanding, get obsessed with something?

             Hmmmm…. Oh yes, 2010 (supposedly) with skiing. Because I was or am great with things that obsess me, I bought the whole skiing shebang: Head skiis, boots, etc!

            Then 2011, with the driving range. Yes, you guess it. Some titanium drivers and hybrids.

            And like my many other “obsessions,” the skiing was eventually ditched in just as little as 3 ski trips. I figured out my fear of falling, especially since I started skiing just 2 weeks after a knee surgery to repair a meniscal tear.

            And then drivers? They are in the corner of my bedroom and I haven’t gone to the driving range since (although I would still want to give golf another shot).

            Long story short, this is where my fear stems from: that my running is just one of those “bursts,” fleeting, spur-of-the-moments. And I do not want that. I fear that.

            What I want is that even when winter comes, I would still be out there and run in my CWX (which, again, I bought as part of this new-found obsession). What I wish for is that I will not falter like I did falter with golf or skiing or Rosetta Stone.

            I would really like to be out there and run even when everyone else is heading for the slopes.

            I would really wish to see myself make use of the “investments” I made in buying “running essentials.”

            I am not a strong, fast runner. Yet, I managed to make progress as I raced against myself, when I PR’d in the past weekend’s half in Bethlehem. On hills versus my prior record on a flat course.

            That’s what I want to see. Myself out there. Running because I have loved running and not because it is a momentary obsession. Running because I want to challenge— and beat— my own personal record. Running because, really, I don’t have much life besides the ER and home. Running because I want to run. To free my mind. To think. To just run.

            If joining a race in December is what it takes to motivate me, then it will be.

            If buying a pair of Newtons is what it takes, then I will.

            I will do just that, until all the things that I bought for will no longer be in the guise of being “running essentials” but become smart investments.

            I will do exactly these things, until running becomes second nature.

             I will attempt to find whatever it is that will motivate me, until those days would come when I’d see myself put on some running clothes and not have to decide whether or not I should go out there and just do it.


the newbie runner

Posted: October 15, 2012 in Uncategorized

@ the newport-liberty half-marathon in jersey city. 09.23.12

slowly but surely, indeed, cliche as it may sound. 
i am katherine bermudez, 30-something, upper-30-something, neophyte runner from new jersey. a mom, a nurse, and now (as i can add to my resume) a runner. i cant really say running is ingrained in my system, but yes, i have learned to love running, since i started a year ago. what prompted me to run? i can’t exactly say, except that i know i hate the gym and i do love to eat (unhealthy, sometimes, being a filipino with a predisposition to eating high-cholesterol foods). thus, this was my only form of exercise— running, that is. i had done a couple days of brazilian butt, insanity, yoga here and there but i never lasted. then, of course, i should not forget that part of why i got into running was because of my husband, who has run several races, who manages to push his limits when it comes to doing what he loves, and who manages do well at doing these things. so what is this website all about? it is about whatever that comes to mind— running, i guess, is at the forefront. why? because it is when i run that i get to think and go back to writing— only at that point when i’m running, words are written in my mind. and just like how it had happened over and over, words and thoughts were forgotten, once i hit the shower.
so here i am, attempting to put my thoughts into writing. i am not the greatest writer, although part of my career (9 years) prior to becoming a nurse was spent on tv news. also, i am no technical runner, so this is no spot for haters, who may question why i do things the way i do things why i run. understand that some of the rituals i perform is based on me being a nurse, conventional or unconventional. i am no technical runner, such that i don’t do plans or, at least, i have not subscribe to it, as yet. however, i acknowledge wisdom of great runners— kara goucher is one of them— whose book i have started to read and have yet to finish. despite this unfinished business, i subscribe to some words she had said, including the encouragement to run, regardless of how fast or slow, as long as one runs; this is one advise i certainly tell my non-running friends.
in my other (i suppose) upcoming blogs, i may talk of other things like nursing, as i love to contemplate and ponder on experiences i encounter, working in an emergency room. things that i see that give different perspectives in life, things that make me laugh, things that make me want to say “kill me now.” again, the same way as i declare that i am not a technical, experienced runner, i will talk of things nursing, not as an expert. thus, again, haters beware.and then there are other things to talk about. anything under the sun.
 let me take it one step at a time. slowly. surely. or maybe not.