(note: this one was written on a whim. unedited.)
I was going to write about my solo travel in the West coast last month. Somehow, when I opened my Word application on my MacBook, I saw an unfinished writing. I had not gone over it and read it all but one word captured my attention—something along the line of death. Now I am wondering what must have gone on in my mind at the time I wrote that. But then, again, I do not want to delve on it at the same time. Then again, as well, I find myself thinking again of death and how I lost one friend to it. Not too remote a time ago, but one that still remains fresh in my mind.
In June, we lost a good friend to suicide. I must say, I had lost a really dear friend before to suicide. Perhaps, because I was younger, but that other friend’s passing over ten years ago did not seem to hit me or linger as much as it did this time. I don’t know why and I can’t explain why. But I still think of your passing each day, my friend. I think of you every day.
I would like to not believe in spirits or souls that linger in this world. Perhaps, I am just scared to the core over the thought of the supernatural still lingering amongst us. At the same time, however, I am trying to understand if there was any closure I needed to have made with you before you chose to say goodbye your way.
At the same time, I know it is just me. My brain conjures all these things and it is in these conscious, sane moments that I find myself thinking that, yes, you are happy where you are right now. That no matter how hard it may have been for your family, for us to have seen you go the way you desired, it was your own peace. And that in all my fear, alongside my constant wondering on why you chose to, you are smiling, watching us from above.
I wish others, however, understood your bidding in manner on how you chose to live and leave. I pray people would stop to judge you or others, who opted to do just the same. I do not condone but, yes, that was a hard a decision. Maybe. Or a spur, a whim borne out of that moment when you felt that there was no turning back.
I hope you find your peace.
Run.Brownie.Run. 